My own inception

I've talked about my landlady issues to many people over the summer.  Most asked me, "Why don't you fight back?"  The inaction confuses me as well, for I consider myself a prideful person.  I definitely feel the anger build up each time.  I know all the things I want to say.  and for some reason, these feelings bubble up, simmer down, and I'm left wondering, "What's the point?"

But yesterday was the closest I came to uncontrolled rage.  She walked into the kitchen while I was preparing breakfast.  Turned off the lights.  I turned them back on.  The ensuing dialog:

JJ: You are being wasteful and inconsiderate.  Turn off the lights.

SP: I'm cooking right now.  Besides, I'm paying for utilities, aren't I? 

JJ: No you're not.  I pay for utilities, you just pay for rent.  If I had know you were such a wasteful person, I would have charged extra for utilities. Thank God this is your last week.  I wouldn't be able to put up with this for much longer.

SP: *silence

JJ: Why did you turn that light back on?  That's passive aggressive bullshit right there.  Jesus Christ.  That shit don't work on me, I'm not in second grade.  I'm turning it off now.  It's daytime right now.  You don't need the light on.

SP: *silence (at this point my hands started shaking and my pulse was rising)

Went on a 11 mile hike to try to clear my mind.  I couldn't; the thought was stuck in my mind. I kept searching for the right thing to say to "solve" the situation.  I felt responsible because I didn't take any action, and I believed there was something I could have done that would have "worked."

That night, I had a strong dream.  In it, I was trying to convince my little sister to stop her recreational drug use.  It was something mild that I knew would escalate to something more serious. She wouldn't listen, and I was so frustrated.  

I feel like I played both sides that day and night.  Defense and Offense.  And I failed at both.