Hunger Sounds

Lesson of the Day: Don't chew gum on an empty stomach, especially in class.  Your tummy will growl uncomfortably and incessantly, especially if the gum is one of the delicious new Trident Layers.

Landsick

After 6 hours in a rocking sailboat, I'm feeling seasick.  Unexpectedly, I feel it when I stay still on land, such as while typing this blog.  I have to keep moving.  The whole world feels like it's gently rocking me back and forth.

Curious: the pattern of movement I feel is similar to routine swaying of the boat on a figure 8 tack.  Gentle left and right for about ten strokes.  Then an abrupt rotation for the tack.  Repeat.  I'm surprised at how consistently my brain has been tricked and conditioned to the waves.

Now if I could only find some diphenhydramine....

Asian Americans

An article that grabbed my attention and wouldn't let go: Paper Tigers

Upon first glance: Hmm, interested, contemporary Asian American sociology...
Second look: Oh sheesh, there's no way I'm going to read 11 pages!
Third page: Wow.....I'm hooked....got to see this to the end.

Some excerpts (edited, rephrased, and interpreted by me):

Asian men need to learn to cause trouble.  Not the trouble that gets you arrested or expelled, but the kind that gets you noticed.  There are rules to follow and rules to break, rules that protect you and rules that chain you.  The art is in learning the difference.

Leaders have a distinct kind of defiance; they are willing to push themselves into the spotlight and to create some noise, to make mistakes, to become entrepreneurs, and to dare to be interesting. Until we can embody those qualities and capture the attention of society, we will forever be relegated to mid level employees.

In college, editors at the Orlando Sentinel invited him to write about sports for the paper. But when he visited the offices, “the editor came in and goes, ‘Oh, no.’ And his exact words: ‘You can’t write with that face.’ ” Later, in film class at Columbia, he wrote a script about an Asian-American hot-dog vendor. “The screenwriting teacher was like, ‘I love this. You have a lot of Woody Allen in you. But do you think you could change it to Jewish characters?’ ” Still later, after graduating from Cardozo School of Law, he took a corporate job, where other associates would frequently say, “You have a lot of opinions for an Asian guy.”

Establishing the Fountainhead

You say you want my secrets.  You say you want to know how I really feel.  I don't think you do.

Are you ready to hear me cry out for help?  Are you prepared to battle alongside me?  Will you suffer my thoughts, my fears, my dreams?  I don't think so.

I am alone.  But I am not lonely.  I do not spread my struggles in search of pity or aid. Your help is welcome, but I cannot, will not, depend upon it.

"I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."
-Ayn Rand

Three months and $500 later

I remember when I first saw a recording of this piece.  It was so unassuming at first, just a simple chord progression, easy enough for a novice.  But once the double stops started, I was hooked.  This song is popular, challenging, and best of all, played without accompaniment.

At the time, I needed a mountain to climb, and the upcoming school talent show gave me the perfect excuse to once again walk the path to performance.  Some milestones along the way:

OMM treatment on my wrists and shoulder -> first experience with cranial
Berkeley Little Star -> stumbled upon without directions, ordered on the spot
Ifshin Violin Shops -> a surreal escape
Super Bowl Performance
Amped up

Walk the talk

I was not elected as COM President.  The news surprised me tonight, for sure.  But it didn't upset me. I said I respect the election process. It sounded catchy at the time. I truly do, though!  I must have repeated those words so many times that I internalized them.

The way I see it: this last year, I had a formal experience as Class President.  I served. I gained. I achieved triumphs, I admitted mistakes.  Now someone else deserves to have the same chance, the same opportunity, that I did, to develop as a leader in a position of low actual risk. 

Don't get me wrong: I do believe that I was the best candidate to serve.  This isn't specific to this situation; it's a general attitude.  I personally think that nobody should enter a race like this if he doesn't think he's the best for the job.  If you think your competitor is a better choice than you, how can you run in good conscience? You should step down and give up on the spot.

However, the school made the choice and that, in itself, is right.  That's democracy isn't it?  Whatever the majority votes is the right thing to do. The results of the election do not make me doubt my self worth nor my choices during the election, as I'm sure it would have 5 years ago.  What I could have done as COM President, I can do for any organization, and when I'm needed, I can give again.

The only conscious effort I have had to make is to leave behind my curiosity about the vote distribution.  Finding out who voted for who, how close or far the race was: that would indeed be "true but useless."  My sister said once, "Have strong beliefs, yet hold them loosely."  Fight hard in every contest, but leave your battles in the ring.  It's easy to follow the first part of these rules.  Now is my time to prove I can live by the latter.*

A victory speech does not require a win. Thank you to everybody who supported me during this election process. I deeply appreciate every moment you gave me, from your vote to your suffering through my emails, videos, and speeches.  Halfway through this campaign, I found a way to advocate for myself with integrity. That ability is reward enough for this entire experience.

*edit: I just received an email telling me where I could find out the breakdown of votes. This is my chance to walk away!

Rephrasing the lines

I have been asking classmates for their vote throughout this week.  It's uncomfortable and I think I understand why.  During that instant, I put a burden on the classmate: I'm asking him/her to commit on the spot and make a decision under pressure.  With blocks looming in the not-quite-so-distant future, we don't need anymore stress in our lives.

Additionally, whatever his/her choice, he/she has to calculate how to tactfully deliver the response, taking into consideration both myself and the other classmates that are present. I know that I have a difficult time with moments when I'm forced to be politely dishonest.  It is grating and frustrating when I can't express how I truly feel. I can imagine a classmate feeling the same.

So, here's the revised approach:

My name is SP.  I am running for COM President.  Do you have any questions for me?  Please remember to vote before the end of the week.  Thank you.

I'm running for a position.  I'm here if you need me.  The relationship is centered on you.

Vote for who you wish to win.  That decision should be yours to decide, without distraction. I will no longer tell you to vote for me. I respect your autonomous judgement and your choice.

All I ask is that you do choose.  Exercise your right to vote.  Let the results of this election reflect the desires of the entire College of Osteopathic Medicine, not of a select few.

Sincerely,

SP

Once more unto the breach...

Election time, and this one's turning out to be a doozy!  There are three fiercely contested positions up for grabs, and I'm in the running against two other classmates. Today, each of us stood on stage and recited an initial speech, marking the beginning of campaign week.  Let the competition begin!

I've think "competition" has a twisted stigma that I would like to dispel.  I hold the utmost respect for every competitor because he/she is a competitor.  Whatever the field of contest, it takes guts to commit yourself to public examination and judgement.  In stepping forward, you leave behind your previous accomplishments and rely on merit alone.

Scrutiny under the spotlight: though it is a steep price of admission, it is well worth the cost.  Although we compete for a service position, and the class chooses in its best interests, it is us who benefit the most from the process. We discover latent strengths acquired from experience. We examine ourselves, find out what we stand for, pin down our values. We learn ways to effectively express our motives and passions to others.  These are skills that we will hold long after the final ballot is announced.

Good luck to all of the candidates!

Predetermination

Waiting to hear from graduate programs? Imagine you are accepted to all: know where you would go.  Trying to avoid an ex? It's not a question of "if," but "when," he will try to contact you.  Prepare your speech, or better yet, decide now to ignore the call. Did you just get into a bike accident and have a broken arm? Have an advanced directive in your wallet so that the ambulance knows to take you to a hospital that is under your insurance coverage.

We should make our decisions ahead of time.  If we don't, emotions will skew our decisions.

Case in point: You've paid the fees, signed the waivers, and are now flying at 20,000 ft, clutching the airplane door: a parachute strapped on your back, a trainer by your side.  At that moment, do you consider the risks of skydiving, the dangers, the potential complications?  Do you perform cost-benefit analyses, consult your best friend on the phone, research the tips and tricks online?  

Of course not.  You rally your nerve and take the plunge. You made the decision to skydive long before the moment when you are confronted with the choice.  You remember your original motivations and you choose the path that your resting, logical state desired.

PS: I don't think we'll ever be free from our emotions, nor that we should.  They offer insight into our subconscious and we should embrace them for that alone.  I've been a performing artist on stages for 20 years.  I still get dry mouth, anxiety, sweaty palms, tremors, etc, before every show.  

But I'm glad I'm nervous.  Those signs tell me that I'm doing something special, something important.  If I'm nervous, it's because I care about the outcome.  I care because there's something in that event that I value.  And in a world of ever-increasing apathy, it's vital to identify your values and hold onto them.

Dietary Cholesterol

Breaking news! If you are concerned about your cholesterol blood levels, you can eat a cholesterol rich food without harm.

The food in question is shrimp.  Shrimp is loaded with cholesterol.  But its version of cholesterol is not absorbed by your body.  It passes through the digestive system untouched, leaving you unaffected.

As always, take this factoid in moderation.  What often accompanies shrimp, (the butter scampi, batter breading), those ARE easily absorbed saturated fats and will increase your cholesterol levels.

But it has me wondering about what I believe to now be antiquated Nutrition Facts.  What if this phenomena extends to other nutrients? It would no longer be sufficient to see how much nutrient a food contains; we'd need to know how much of that will be absorbed.  

Another example that illustrates this difference: Omega-3 Fatty Acids.  They are helpful to the body and are found in both seafood and flaxseed.  But the form that is in flaxseed is poorly absorbed, making seafood the better option.  

Why should Yo-Yo Ma have all the fun?

A message to the extraordinary

If you consider yourself to be one in a million, guess what? The world doesn't need you.  The lofty abilities you offer are neither dependable nor consistent.  The system will continue without you because it never factored you in.

Even if you are merely a modest 1/100, the position you are destined to fill is designed to be occupied on chance alone.  Whatever organization, sports team, or business you are involved in, if there are few suitable candidates, there will be fewer positions. Your chances are effectively the same.

Yes, as always, play the hand you've been dealt to its fullest.  But remember that whatever you hold was given to you.  Give thanks, avoid hubris.

Swim - Jack's Mannequin

Walking away

A fitting metaphor to describe recent events:

Even if your favorite hand is pocket fours, you don't call if your opponent makes a huge raise, preflop.

You fold.  It's the smart thing to do.  The payout might be great but it's the chances that should be dictating your decision.  Too often, in risk vs reward analyses, we allow the latter to cloud our judgement and obscure our understanding of the true costs involved.

That being said, it wasn't easy to make the decision, nor was it easy to reconcile.  During the entire drive home, curiosity gnawed persistently until I started picturing alternate outcomes.  I wanted to play that hand! If only to see how it would have ended, or even how it started.  It could have gone my way. 

But in a way, I knew how it would end.  I would step forward cautiously, get some false hope from those initial cards.  Bets would be placed, I would be drawn in.  Ultimately, I'd reach a point of no return and commit to the ending.  And when the cards fall, I would lose.  I knew how it would end.

I knew how it would end, ~80% of the time.  I will never know what would actually have happened. 

I don't need to know anymore.  No longer will I charge in pursuit of pipedreams.

From the inside out

Preachers and politicians lose a lot of respect and power when we hear the gossip about their personal lives.  We see scandals and judge them as unfitting leaders because, hey, if they can't take care of their families, how can we expect them to take care of us?

I think physicians should be held to a similar standard, assessed by the health of their social circles.  I personally would harshly judge a cardiologist if he allowed his brother to live with high blood pressure.  A pulmonologist should ensure that his children's asthma is treated.  And so on, and so forth.

The easiest place to start for us aspiring physicians?  Our parents.  They are a template for over 60% of the patients that we are expected to see when we graduate.

...oh....and also because we love them!

Phlebotomy

Venipuncture Lab: Advancing a needle into an arm on a vein you can't see, you can only feel.  Feeling for the slight resistance, then give, that signals entry into a vein.  Reaching for a vacuumed tube that seems so far away.  The lancet starts to quiver under the skin as you fumble to attach the receiving container. You finally manage to secure the container, yet no blood emerges.  Questions arise: the needle must have moved! or the container is not yet on.  Did it go too deep? Not deep enough?  The patient is grimacing.  The pressure is on.  Despair starts creeping in, daring you to pull out and make it stop. 
 
I was actually sweating and light headed after the lab.  What a rush!

Exercise reveals all

I'm assigning gym exercises to quantify how much I'm affected by unfortunate events.

Start with a daily baseline of 2 miles, before and after weights.
 Did I have to eat out yesterday because I didn't have time to cook? +1 mile.
 Did I have a tough test that day, spending the entire time oscillating between two questions and four choices? +2 miles.
Bad experience with the unfriendly optometrist, who ironically failed to make eye contact through the entire exam?  Pshhh...I only need an extra pullup to get over that.

Sometimes, things happen that I think would bother me more. Other times, I space out so much and look up to find that I'm on mile six.  Going to the gym helps me confirm how deep or shallow these annoyances truly go.

Unwinding

Thanks to my older sister Kimberly for introducing me to this song.

Fallback

I'm a big fan of being spent at the end of the day.  The feeling tells me that I have been maximally productive, that I've used all my potential and held nothing back.  However, feeling drained at noon, as I did today after our Respiratory exam? Not good at all. After the exam, I was a shell of my normal self and the difference was noticeable to others.

Unexpectedly, a solution comes from our studies of the respiratory system. Every one of us has numerous redundancies and safeguards in place to ensure that we do not run out of oxygen. Through one circuit of the body, your blood only unloads ~25% of its oxygen.  At rest, you only take in ~8% of the total lung capacity.  Due to a fine balance of passive forces, each breath requires merely 1 mmHg of pressure.

All of this insurance is setup and maintained constantly. Your body is preparing you for an emergency you hope never happens. I'm learning that I need to hold back my daily efforts in preparation for days like this. I pride myself on analyzing the details of the present moment.  I should shift my focus and energy to the future.

To function at 100% capacity, all the time, suggests an insecurity of one's abilities that needs to be suppressed by self-reassurance.

Third time's the charm

Confidence, if unchecked, can turn into superiority.
Modesty, if uncontrolled, can progress to inferiority.

Superiority vs inferiority.
Confidence vs modesty.

As if it wasn't difficult enough to form a healthy esteem....now we have make sure we're playing by the right set of rules.

I feel I'm balanced between these two dichotomies and often have to check myself from tipping either of two ways. The obvious problem is overconfidence.  Arrogance is never appropriate, under any condition.  You only have to read some of my earlier posts to see that the emotions I feel can border dangerously close at times.

But another problem is looking at the world with a linear perspective.  I sometimes feel as if everybody is on a number line and they merely shift positive or negative positions with each encounter.  Chalk this up to playing too many games that contain a +4 modifier.

It took a concerned classmate, an untrained professional, and a rerun of a speech I've heard twice before to make me aware of this issue.

Superiority is fleeting and relative.  It is a derived quality, one that comes from the people who surround you.  It can be pursued and achieved after years of work, only to be lost the instant the environment changes.

Confidence, on the other hand, needs no other person to establish.  Your life is your own.  Your strength is yours. It cannot be given. It does not come easily. But you take it with you wherever you go.

I've noticed that confident people are often raised to superior positions. Our society is not clever yet enough to distinguish between the two traits. But they certainly are quick to cut down those they view as undeserving. Our leaders would do well to remember why they are there and how they got there.

COM14: Invincible

There is so much pride in our class.  Momentum is rising as things keep going our way.  Here is a list of things our class has accomplished in one semester:

1) Male beauty pageant
2) Basketball against 2nd years
3) Basketball against College of Pharmacy
4) Dance team against College of Pharmacy (pending, expected)
5) All around grades and entry stats.
6) Thanksgiving Football game against 2nd years

I wonder if the school grooms every class to feel the way we do. Professors continually tell us how we are the best class they have had in the history of the school, in talent and drive. As I learned in my sociology class, people rise and fall to the level that is expected of them.

We are still rising.  With each exam, our average has increased, with an unprecedented mean of 87 on the most recent fundamentals test. I can't wait to see how we did on this morning's Cardiovascular test. 

Some say to be wary of hubris; many great people have been undermined by arrogance.  But in this case of medical school, I think we should ride out this wave as long as we can.  Let the confidence fuel us and drive us to tackle every problem, uncover every detail, pursue every point.  Because we know we can, and will, win.

It's a positive feedback loop!

Timeshift

Schedule more.  Plan less.  This seems to be the mantra of the new year.

I am slightly alarmed by the sheer amount of meetings/events/tasks that I'm layering on my calendar.  Every day at lunch, I'm dealing with different departments, people, subjects.  It will be ok.  I think I've had enough experience with these interactions that I can improvise as needed, no matter the situation.  This may actually require less work than before, as I usually fret all day over the many possible outcomes.

It's time to relax, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Season 2: week 1 recap

What is going on? We came back to school expecting a whirlwind of work (and the first hour advertised as such), but it's been a week and we feel like we haven't done anything. We are halfway to an exam! It's very unsettling because I can't imagine this is so simple, thus it only makes sense that we've let something slip by that we're supposed to be studying.  Oh dear.  At least I've been staying busy.

A day of unexpected awesome.  I walk into a club meeting 30 minutes late; I leave as the newly elected president.  I knock on a professor's door hoping to schedule an appointment 2 months later; I am treated on the spot for an hour.

I ask a girl to Winter Gala.  She said yes.

I move every light in my room hover over my desk.  I'm sacrificing attractiveness for functionality.

New Year's Resolutions:
1) Shave every day
2) Stop complaining
3) Don't say NO.*
*I'm not going to be a pushover.  I'm going to practice declining things without using negative words.  I'm not being fake either.  As I'm learning in medicine, there are very few times when a rule can't be broken.  Given the right circumstances, almost anything is possible.  Thus, no is rarely, if ever, truly no.

Preparing instinct

Directly from my landlord:

"While stopped at a light, with my family in the car, I looked behind me and saw the car approaching at 40mph.  I realized it wasn't going to stop in time.  I turned forward and shook myself loose, relaxing my body in anticipation of the crash."

Is this not the most BAMF action to do in a crisis like this?  Obviously, I recognize that what he did was the right choice (preventing the passengers from being struck at a moment of rotation/minimizing his own risk of injury).  But who would have the presence of mind to do such a thing?  I can't even avoid recoiling from a stray flick of cadaver in the anatomy lab, in a room full of scalpels and hemostats.  I would love to believe that I could make that split second decision.  Unfortunately, I think I will scream out a warning and try to evacuate the car.

Anybody want to rehearse with me?

Asian Parenting = my upbringing

A slightly disturbing, yet essentially true, article.  I agree with the concepts, if not the methods.

Source of Frustration: people who repeatedly degrade themselves vocally.  I either consider them to be trapped in a self fulfilling prophecy or I suspect that they are fishing for compliments.  Both breed negativity.

But maybe it isn't their fault. My personal confidence was built on the little victories of childhood. I engaged in countless inconsequential triumphs at a young age.  What I now recognize as silly, arbitrary tests meant the world to me as a kid; a tennis match, the spelling bee, Egyptian war.  No matter the test I always wished to win and always tried to win.  Because if I wasn't working my hardest, then why was I there?  I believe this consistent competition formed the foundation of my approach toward any test I face today.

Here are a couple of phrases (2 exactly) that you should never hear me say (and if you do, something is very, very wrong):

"What's the point of learning this? I'm never going to use it in my career." In learning anything, whether it is the cardiac cycle or the preparation of olives, you train your mental capacity.  You carve out paths that lead to long term memory so that future knowledge can follow.  You tighten the bolts of comprehension and keep your brain honed and sharp.  Here's why: one day, you will make a series of amazing decisions.  People will praise you for your instinct and your luck.  You will be unaware of how your subconscious saved the day.  But it will be an aggregation of all the hard work that you invested in your mind, and only by constant preparation can we prepare for that moment.

"I'm not going to look at the map because I am spatially challenged and cannot understand it." This comment left me so dumbfounded that I can feel my heart rate increase while typing it.  This passive defeat, coupled with the frank statement of an unchangeable trait, is incredibly alien to me.  There is nothing you and I can't do with enough time and/or effort.  Nothing is set in stone.  I spend 80% of my time doing activities that I'm terrible at doing.  Gradually I improve, through no active effort of my own, as my subconscious weeds out actions that produce unfavorable results.  And then, when I'm satisfied with my performance, I move on to my next weakness.  Sound familiar?  This is the life of a student juggling multiple classes.  If you understand what you're studying, you're wasting your time.  Move on to the unfamiliar.