Hurdle 1 clear

Mid-Block exam 1 complete!  I feel very happy about how I did.  A few lucky guesses, a lot of preparation, and practiced inner calm (refraining from panic from an unknown question) should contribute to a solid score on the first test of med school.  I completed 90 question in 90 minutes.

I had a moment during the exam, at about the halfway point, where I was consciously aware of my situation.  Call it an out of body experience.  The gravity of the situation dawned on me.  Here I was taking a medical school exam, with the top 1% of the country.  I realized how foreign the language was, how strange the sentences were worded, that I had to decipher every root of every word in order make light of the answer. But I was also aware that I have the ability to read through the code.  It was very satisfying to leap into a question with no direction and burrow my way out with the correct answer.

Details:

For the first 15 questions, the lights were low.  I had to strain my eyes every time I lifted my hand to block in an answer choice.  Very distracting.

My instincts are correct most of the time, but I continually disregard them.  At some point, I need to give into them fully.

I had the song "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars stuck in my head through the whole time.  I actually spaced out for about 20 seconds in order to run through the chorus.

Verses

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Therefore do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2cor4

First test of medical school

As I watch my fellow classmates freak out about our first midblock exam, I feel myself drawn into contagious panic.  It seems like the right thing to do; isn't it natural to be anxious in the face of uncertainty?  None of us know exactly what the structure of the quiz is.  There are 90 questions in two hours.  This doesn't leave much time for improvisation.  The curriculum has had a makeover and none of our previous exams accurately reflect the upcoming test material.

There is too much to learn.  Too many subjects across too many fields.  We cannot grasp it all at once.  We are swimming in unstructured facts, mired in indecision.  We lack direction.

But when I take a step backwards and look at the situation, it looks a little smaller.  Another few steps, and it shrinks even more.  Gradually, I begin to see the entire situation, all at once.  Getting my bearings, I now dive inwards, from the outside in, and the problem is more manageable.

The Litany of Fear:
I will not fear.  Fear is the mind killer.  Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will allow it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has passed I will turn the inner eye to look upon its path.  Where it has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain.

Med school so far:

I'm getting lucky.  These first three weeks are a quick review of what I've learned in the last 2 years.  So far I don't think I've learned anything entirely new.

That is, in class.  Student government and club organization have been my side projects for now.  It's a fun way to keep busy.  I think that I really enjoy watching bonds grow between us students, from that first day of orientation, when we were all confused and scared, to a well oiled machine pre midblock exams.  We are uploading study notes on a daily basis, editing online google documents 20 at a time, overall, really coming together as a cohesive team.

Also, we are utilizing every available piece of technology.  I've dreamed of purchasing a zoom h4 audio recorder.  Now, in my IT workstudy position, I use one every day to record and upload lectures.

One struggle that I'm working on:  I found that financial aid only delegated $1500 to me for workstudy fall semester, $3000 total for the year.  I was expecting $12000 for the year.  This will not be enough to cover my living expenses and it really bothers me that I need to seek another source of income.  I only can work 4 hrs a week and I need more.  The financial aid office told me to check back next week.  I marked it on my gcalendar and will receive an email reminder to remind them next Tuesday.

History Taking

Thanks to Dr Wikholm and my time in his office, today's lecture on how to take a history is pretty much obsolete to me.

My first weekend of med school is coming up.  I'm curious to see how much I can let go of what I've been studying, if only for a few hours.  I've been having trouble lately allowing myself to relax.  When I'm supposed to be "having fun" (aka watching TV, attending social events), I've had my studies occupying half of my mind.  I hope people haven't noticed that they're only getting 50% of my attention.

One week over

Not much time to report in, but I do want to say thank you to all my Hancock professors.  We're going through a rapid tour of the entire body, covering major landmarks, and Dr Miyahara did a great job prepping me for all of the material.  Before each class I feel an adrenaline boost, like I'm on the cusp of something big.

This is it.  I'm here.  Time to do my job.

Benefits for long time subscribers

I just recorded a message to myself on the eve of med school.  I plan to store it safely and play it back 4 years later.  At first I tried to write a script, but I didn't make two sentences before I decided to turn the camera on and start recording.  I wanted to capture the raw emotion of the moment.  I wasn't articulate, I wasn't witty.  I was myself at that moment.

I'll post it here in 4 years.

Orientation recap

Typing this during an IT and library talk during orientation.

Yesterday was a trip.  The setup: orientation from 7:30-5pm.  Biostatistics final from 4-6.  Finals the next two days as well.  Oh, did I mention it was my birthday?

The day started with a "continental breakfast."  I kept my morning ritual of apple oatmeal, and I was glad I did.  The food was nestle yogurt and bite sized muffins.  Half the students had to sit on the floor!  I was shocked that the school did not plan for those students to have a seat at a table, especially since half of the gym was still open space.

It ended with one hundred and fifty public introductions. We would go up for about 2 minutes each and speak an impromptu message. It was an interesting concept, but unfortunately, those in the back were not paid much attention after 4 hours.  Also, there was only a limited amount of information that we could be given, aka school, hobbies, tennis, music, blah blah blah.  And probably about 80% of the students aren't used to speaking in front of 149 other people with an unprepared speech.  These factors combined led to a very monotonous, tiring time.  After 20 people, I get it: Everybody loves sports, everyone loves eating, right?  I'd love to get to know my new classmates, but this was not an efficient way to do so.

Poem assignment

To be turned in to the dean before Friday:

I stand in the doorway.  Accomplishments shine behind me.  Imagination beckons before me.  

Fear and doubt shake my resolve.  I imagine failure. I picture defeat.

I resist the familiar and safe past.  I choose to pass through and anticipate nothing. 

Such is the choice I make. It is foolish and irrational, I realize.  I am not a gambling man. I do not make moves unless I am certain.

For I am uncertain of my performance.  I may fail.  My best may not be good enough.

But I am gambling for a prize that is worth the smallest of chances.